In Search of the Missing by Mick McCarthy

Author:Mick McCarthy
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Mercier Press

Equinox

At heart, I’ve always been a loner – always have been and always will be. Give me a day walking in the woods or the mountains with just a dog for company and I’m in heaven – total bliss, without a care in the world. Many times I’ve said to friends, ‘Once I had a guitar, a dog and a tent, I’d happily live in the woods.’ But that was all gobbledygook, only macho talk, as I quickly learned when my marriage fell apart and I found myself sinking to the bottom of the deepest, darkest hole of depression, weighed down with loneliness and despair.

All my life I’d spent hours on my own, going off night after night to train the dogs, pounding the roads, and often not returning home until the lights were out and everyone was warmly tucked up in bed. But living on my own was a totally different ball game. I couldn’t hack it.

In the early years, when the cracks first appeared in my marriage, I ignored them; I pretended they weren’t there. Often, in later years, I tried to repair the damage. I wanted to make a go of it, to hang on in there, not give up without a fight, but at other times I walked away, left it all behind, for short spells, long spells, only to return again, to give it another go, start all over as if we had no baggage, a clean slate. I carried on like that for twelve years, coming and going, unable to make the final break, to walk away forever from my family, my life, my home.

At one point, when we were on the verge of yet another split, I decided to give up the dogs altogether. By now, I was at the top of the pecking order at SARDA, having been involved since we first got together in Laragh way back in 1987. But it was worth a try. I’d nothing left to put on the table, no other card to play. The dogs had to go. They were the ultimate sacrifice. It might be too little too late, but it was the best I could do.

I took a leave of absence from SARDA. By now, Dex had reached old age and was suffering. I knew it was time to put him to sleep and end his pain. I gave my second certified search dog, Eiger, on loan to SARDA. Then I got down to the business of sorting out my difficulties at home. But it proved an uphill battle, with too much water under the bridge and no hope of improvement. Giving up the dogs made no difference. The gel just wasn’t there. The writing was on the wall, clear and bright, in big, capital letters and bold print, urging me to make the final move.

I packed up and left, just like I’d done time and time again. But this time was different. I wasn’t coming back. After thirty-two years, the marriage was finally over, finished.

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